I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
