3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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