Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
