He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
