i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
