I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
