my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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