just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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