Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
