He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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