My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
