I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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