my phone cant type all the emotion im having
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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