We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
