if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
