Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
