I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
