ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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