I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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