im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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