I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
