I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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