I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
