i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
