We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
