Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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