We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Randomize
