I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
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