I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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