i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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