im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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