Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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