Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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