She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
