finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize