dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
