SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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