this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
