i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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