My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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