i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
