i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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