Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
