Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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