I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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