I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
