Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
