i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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