I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
