I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
