i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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