toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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