I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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