I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
