i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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