btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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