Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
