i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
