Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
