well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize