My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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