my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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