Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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