I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
