before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
it's like heaven, but drunker
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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