I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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