The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
