My balls are so social today.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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