I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
