You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
