I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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