So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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