you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
