My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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