When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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